‘Bro Code’ allows men to believe they are somewhat macho

A CBS television show I’ve casually watched for the past few years, “How I Met Your Mother,” cemented itself as a great show, in my opinion, after a recent episode.


The show focuses on a man telling his children how he met their mother. Each episode moves the story forward just a little bit as the man, Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor), recounts an event in his life that allowed him to eventually meet the mother, a woman viewers have yet to meet in seven seasons.

These events he recounts take place with his four best friends – married couple Marshall (Jason Segel) and Lily (Alyson Hannigan), former girlfriend Robin (Cobie Smulders), and ladies’ man Barney Stinson, played by the great Neil Patrick Harris (formerly known as Doogie Howser).

Ted, an architect, meets and dates many women, many who are meant to make viewers think will be the mother. Sometimes he breaks their hearts, but more often than not they break his, as one woman even left him at the altar.

Throughout most of the series, Barney has often bragged about the fact he doesn’t allow relationships to mess with his life like Ted allows them to do. Instead, he allows the “Bro Code” to guide most decisions he makes.

The “Bro Code” is a book, written by Barney, that contains the rules men, or bros, should follow to make sure they don’t obstruct other men from living a life that isn’t messed up by women. It currently contains 32 Articles, ranging from “Bro’s (sic) before Ho’s (sic)” to a “Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty.” All of these Articles are available online at www.brocode.com.

Many guys from my generation would probably agree with many of these Articles, as they give some an opportunity to be macho, even though we live in an era where being macho is a bit outdated. Let’s face it – Fonzie stopped being cool in the early 1980s, and Tom Cruise will never get his “Top Guns” swagger back no matter how hard he tries.

Geeks and freaks have been the new cool for a good part of the last decade. If you don’t believe me, there’s a reason “The Big Bang Theory” is one of television’s top-rated shows.

The “Bro Code” allows men to at least pretend they are a little bit cool, especially around other men. Women will naturally laugh at them, as they should, but in our minds we can at least give ourselves a little dignity by following these rules.

I haven’t always been sold on “How I Met Your Mother,” mainly because the entire frame of Ted telling his children how he met their mother is taking forever. A recent episode in which the guys on the show had “Trilogy Night” made me realize the greatness of it, though.

“Trilogy Night” is something people are either going to understand immediately, or it’s something that will require explanation. To explain for those who don’t know: it’s a night in which people, usually guys, gather to watch the original three “Star Wars” movies. It’s spent talking about the greatness of those three movies, quoting lines right before they happen, and throwing out “What if” scenarios to the others in the group. “What if Luke had taken his relationship with Leia a little further?” would be a typical question people would talk about.

In the episode, Ted takes his children through five “Trilogy Nights” the gang had over a 12-year period in which each of them talks about how their lives will be three years in the future when they have the next “Trilogy Night.” Ambitions for future goals are much bigger when they are younger, but it’s Barney’s vision in 2012 for his future in 2015 that is a stunner. I won’t spoil it, but by making something as awesome as “Trilogy Night” so poignant is simply great television.

Someday, I hope Ted actually tells his children about the exact moment he meets their mother, but until then I’ll enjoy the narrative as I think about how macho the “Bro Code” makes me believe I am.
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Originally published in The Portage County Gazette on Friday, April 20, 2012.

Yoda voice can make difficult readings easier to understand

When something is difficult to read, give it a Yoda voice. I guarantee you that it will make much more sense. Yoda, being the wise, old Jedi master he is, can make even the most difficult items understandable.


A former co-worker devised this theory in dealing with a writer that often was difficult to read. “Read it out loud in a Yoda voice,” he told me. “You can decipher it then.”

I laughed at his theory, but being a big fan of Yoda, I did so. Not only did my co-workers get a good laugh from my wicked Yoda impression, all of us were able to understand what was written.

For some reason I can’t understand, a Yoda voice adds a dimension to undecipherable writing that slows it down, brings the necessary words to the front and minimizes the unimportant ones. It takes the fear out of reading bad writing, and we all know fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. No one wants to suffer when they read.

I wish I knew about this theory back in college. Reading Chaucer, “The Last of the Mohicans” and Thomas Paine would have been much easier. I could have saved myself hundreds of dollars by buying less Mountain Dew, which I needed to keep myself awake when I read this material for my many English classes.

The Yoda theory works great for me now, not just with some of the material I have to read for the paper, but also with instruction manuals in putting together things. That’s probably because many of these manuals are actually written in Yoda dialect, so reading them the way they were written makes sense.

I put together a portable basketball hoop two weekends ago, and the first sentence was an entire paragraph long, referring to numbers for nouns instead of the actual part that was needed. Yoda voice made it easier to understand, especially since the illustrations included with it were made in Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Yoda may be a fictional character – undoubtedly George Lucas’ ultimate creation – but his value will extend centuries, especially if this theory becomes commonly used, as I propose it should. Schools could offer Yoda courses.

I can imagine it now: “OK class, today we are going to learn why size matters not, and why there is no try. But first, pull out your copy of ‘War and Peace.’ Today, when you read, make sure you put enough gruff in your ‘mmmmm’s at the beginning of each sentence.”

I hope people will make more use of Yoda, as it will make the world a better place. I just hope nobody comes up with a Jar Jar Binks theory. Then we will be in trouble.
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Originally published in The Portage County Gazette on Friday, March 31, 2012.

Anticipation can create life-changing moments

I look forward to a lot of things, mainly because it serves as good motivation to wake up happy every day. I look forward to good meals, occasions I know I’m going to see family and friends, fun events such as going to a movie in the theater, the release of a good book or CD, and days reserved just for doing something special with my wife and son.
But a few events have been occasions I have waited what seems like an eternity for, making them “life-changing moments” for me, even if they didn’t necessarily change my life in any way.
Some of these “life-changing moments” have included a family vacation out West when I was in second grade, my first day of college, getting married to my wife and the birth of my son – all typical types of events many people probably share with me.
A few of these moments are the result of long waits, though. When George Lucas announced in 1996 or so he was going to make three more “Star Wars” movies, the fanboy inside of me went nuts with anticipation. I grew up on those movies, re-enacting all of the scenes with my friends in school on the playground, and to see more “Star Wars” movies was a dream I never thought would turn true.
Three years later in 1999 when the first of those movies, “The Phantom Menace,” was released, I was first in line. Initially, I thought it was a great movie, and proceeded to see it two more times in the theater. But with each viewing I saw flaws, lots of them, and soon I agreed with the majority opinion that they weren’t good.
Nevertheless, I still looked forward to each of the next two “Star Wars” movies, hoping Lucas would correct the flaws. He didn’t, and each time I left greatly disappointed.
But a funny thing has happened since then. The sense of anticipation I had in looking forward to what I was hoping would be movies as good as the ones I remembered as a kid disappeared, and I have been able to watch them again without needing them to live up to an expectation they could never have met.
That’s because my 3-year-old son, Braden, absolutely loves the three new “Star Wars” movies. He doesn’t give a rip about my trilogy, the original one, and finds the characters in the new movies more enjoyable and the graphics more appealing. He can hum the theme music, and he knows all of the characters’ names.
I’ve watched the new trilogy with him about a dozen times, and although there are a lot of things I would change about them, Lucas has made a series of movies that appeals to the younger generation. Twenty years from now, when Braden is in his fanboy stage and a new set of “Star Wars” movies is inevitably announced, he’ll be the one looking forward to a life-changing moment, and he’ll be the one disappointed when the new ones aren’t as good as the ones he is most fond of.
On a side note, I had the same life-changing moment anticipation for this past summer’s latest “Indiana Jones” movie, and that one was such a monumental failure in my opinion I probably will never give it a second view.
Another life-changing moment that will be the result of a long wait is next month’s release of Guns N’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy,” an album 15 years in the making.
During the time since Guns N’ Roses’ last album, Axl Rose, the lead singer of the band and the only original member left, went into seclusion, fired his bandmates, hired new ones (and fired some of them) and then spent more than $13 million to record an album that has had so many rumored release dates that next month’s actual release doesn’t seem real at all.
I wrote about my anticipation for this album more than a year ago in this column. Back then I said: “Since the last Guns N’ Roses album, I have graduated from high school, from college, began a 10-year career, got married, bought a house, had a kid and have gone through five different vehicles. I still cling to the hope Axl will return soon. He will release ‘Chinese Democracy,’ and he will show us, at age 45, that he didn’t let anybody bring him down.”
I’m 11 years into my career now, I’ve sold my first house and moved to Plover, and have gone through another vehicle.
My biggest fear is the album will never live up to my lofty expectations, because of the anticipation and long wait. Fortunately, most of the album has leaked over the past two years, and I enjoy the songs from it more now then I did when they first leaked.
My only fear after the album’s release is not having anything major to look forward to. I’m sure all the little things will be there, but my wife might have to get used to me waking up a little bit grumpy. Then again, I could always look forward to the follow-up to “Chinese Democracy.” That should give me another 15 years of anticipation.

Scientists discover 'The Force'

Scientists at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland have discovered a way to make objects levitate. Apparently, in a study published last week, they revealed they were able to reverse a natural force which causes tiny particles to stick to one another.
In other words, they’ve discovered the Force, the mystical power encompassing and binding all living things in George Lucas’ “Star War’s” universe. It’s the power that makes Luke Skywalker bring his lightsaber to his hand when an approaching Wampa is about to make him lunch.
When I was a kid, back in the heyday of “Star Wars,” learning about this discovery would have been so cool. My friends and I, who played “Star Wars” every day on the playground, would have spent hours trying to levitate objects ourselves.
As a 32-year-old husband, father and career man, someone who is supposed to be serious about his life and appreciate the merits of the scientists’ accomplishment, I still find this so cool. I would love to take a day off from any of my responsibilities to take a stab at levitating objects myself, to learn the Force.
Never mind the fact that the science doesn’t work like it does in “Star Wars.” Instead of using your mind to make the objects levitate, it takes complicated science utilizing vacuums and other scientific stuff to make it work.
The scientists want to use their discovery to better life for mankind.
“Tiny mechanical devices which trigger a car airbag to inflate, or which power tiny ‘lab on chip’ devices used for drugs testing or chemical analysis could run smoother and with less or no friction at all, if one can manipulate the force,” said Professor Ulf Leonhardt, one of the scientists who made the discovery. Whatever, I’m just pleased he actually called it the Force.
I’m more selfish for wanting the Force.
My No.-1 reason would be to make me the ultimate couch potato. If I need the remote and it’s on the other side of the room, I’d just have to will it my way. There would be no need for me to get up to fetch it myself.
But that may be why people have kids, as I recently discovered. Comfortable in my chair, I realized the book I was reading was on the coffee table across the room. My 2-year-old was playing in the room, so I told him to get daddy’s book. Not only did he do so, but he did so happily and eagerly, with a sense of accomplishment, delivering a big hug with the book.
My number two reason would be to impress my friends and family. “Hey, do you want to see something cool?” I would ask them. Then, to be really impressive, I would use the Force to zip the butcher knife from our knife rack to my hand. It’s not a lightsaber, but I’m not a Jedi (or would I be if I had the Force?).
I’d love to say I’d use the Force to become a superhero, like Spider-Man or Superman, but reality doesn’t present many life-saving opportunities. I’ve never been in a position where I could have saved someone’s life if I would have had the Force. I’m thankful for that.
I also know many people have been real-life superheroes without the Force, putting their own lives at risk to help others in dangerous situations. I hope to follow their examples if ever necessary.
So truthfully, the Force would be cool to have, but it really wouldn’t do much for me. It would make be lazier and give me a bigger ego. Two things I don’t need. I’ll save the Force for the Luke Skywalkers and Yodas of our imagination.