Thor the Bear doesn't have a chance on Point property

I learned last week a bear has been spotted on property my wife, Jenny, and I purchased in August on the north side of Stevens Point for our future home. As a fan of bears, this news elated me, although Jenny was less than thrilled.
I immediately took ownership of the bear, though it would probably dispute it, and gave it a name: Thor. That’s the name I wanted for our son, Braden, before he was born, but one Jenny shot down along with Raven for a girl. I understand her reasoning – Thor is a Norse god of thunder and our son is not, and Raven could be the name of a porn actress, which we both hope any future daughter will not become – so it was easy to go along with her safer choices, like Braden.
Thor may have just been passing through, as bears spotted in the city of Stevens Point are most likely doing, but I like to think he’s taken up residence on our 1.66-acre lot, especially since we won’t build our home there until 2010 and possibly 2011. If we’re not going to live there yet, I couldn’t be more honored to have a bear live there in our place.
I’ll admit, I haven’t seen Thor, nor do I know for sure it was actually on our property. I heard some neighbors spotted it in the vicinity, so I just made the assumption it’s living on our land. Why? Because with the exception of a few celebrities, zookeepers and that crazy guy in Alaska who has more than a dozen bears living on his property, most people can’t say they own a bear.
By taking ownership of Thor, I can join the ranks of these people. It’s definitely the coolest thing I own, unless my autographed photo of Martin Kove can be considered cooler. But only “Karate Kid” aficionados will know Kove is evil sensei John Kreese in the first three films of the series, so most people won’t think this possession is cool at all.
My wife, on the other hand, isn’t amused at all about a bear being spotted on our property. For her Facebook status, she posted: “was surprised to learn today that a bear has taken up residence on our land… apparently it likes the subdivision and lake as well. Scott has already given it a name… ‘Thor.’ I would prefer to call it ‘throw rug.’”
Within an hour after posting this status, several of her friends responded along the same lines, some saying bear meat makes for great sausage and their hides look great hanging on the wall. Another person said he would be happy to help her make it a throw rug.
I posted a response saying I wasn’t going to let any of these blood-thirsty crazies kill Thor without getting through me first. Nobody responded, so they were all probably laughing at my weak threat.
If I actually saw Thor on our property, I’d probably become one of them, as I’d most likely be scared enough to want it gone. The only time I’ve seen a bear in the wild happened in August, shortly after we bought the property, when traveling to Eagle River. A bear crossed the road in front of the car in front of us right before entering the city of Rhinelander, much to my amazement.
I’ve only touched a live bear once, at a zoo in Weyauwega, when the owner let me pet a cub. It was little, but it was still tougher than me, nearly knocking me down twice.
A stuffed bear also clawed me once. I could more accurately say I brushed my hand against its sharp claws, causing them to cut me, but that makes me appear as the weakling I actually am, so I’ll stick with saying a stuffed bear clawed me.
Other than that, all of my bear experiences have been confined to safely watching them from a distance at a variety of zoos.
Weirdly enough, Jenny has gone bear hunting before, so having a bear on our property should make her happy. Not that she could hunt it within the city limits, but because it demonstrates bear numbers are up, as the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources has said, and any future hunts are more than likely going to be successful.
Then again, maybe she wants it off our property so it will be on land where she can shoot it.
Poor Thor. It doesn’t stand a chance.