Actor Matthew McConaughey, everybody’s favorite shirtless beach bum, welcomed his first child this week. Since this guy has been on his own hazy planet (remember his nude drumming escapade) for sometime, I thought he might need a little advice on how to handle the major lifestyle change he will face with the new addition.
As a somewhat experienced father – I have a 3-year-old son, Braden – I figure I’m as qualified as anyone to give him that advice; well, probably not as qualified as someone with more than one child or as someone with an older child, but I’m not into technicalities so they are even with me as far as I am concerned.
My six pieces of advice for Matthew McConaughey are:
1) Give the child a good name, and make sure its middle name is good also. His brother named his child Miller, which is fine, but gave the kid a middle name of Light – Miller Light. Apparently he likes beer. Unfortunately for the kid, he’ll be teased by both children and adults about his name as he grows up. It’ll probably drive him to drink, making him become what he is named.
I wanted to name Braden Thor, but my wife held strong against my wish. With a name like Thor he might have become a Viking god. That’s cool, but I’m not sure the world needs any more Viking gods.
2) Put a shirt on the kid. Babies like to be warm, especially when it’s cold outside. I know you would rather exist in a world where shirts are not needed, judging by your last film, the torturous “Fool’s Gold,” in which I was subjected to my horror and my wife’s delight of seeing you bare-chested throughout the entire movie.
Babies will let you know when something is not comfortable by crying. If your baby cries and you want him to stop, make him comfortable. In your case, this can probably be done by putting a shirt on him to make him warm.
3) Put out the cigarette, or whatever else you may be smoking. Babies don’t like smoke, and they definitely don’t like smoke that may make things a bit hazy. And remember that foods you eat when you get the munchies (possibly because of what you are smoking) are not nutritious foods the kid needs.
4) Keep drumming. Babies like music, and when they like something they’ll respond with cute smiles and yelps of glee. Or it may just be gas, but either one is still fun. You’ll learn people like happy babies and will give you nothing but compliments and moments of freedom from caring for the child by taking the baby from you to hold. They will not do this when the child is crying.
5) Lend your voice to a cartoon, preferably to one by Pixar. After more than a decade without watching cartoons, I quickly discovered I have to watch a lot of them as Braden gets older. Since you probably have the opportunity to do animated features, seize it immediately. Then when your child watches that film, he will be impressed his father’s voice is on it. If I had the technology to dub my voice over Owen Wilson’s in “Cars,” I would do it in a heartbeat. Braden would be bragging about me to all his friends.
6) Do not, and I repeat, do not swear in front of the child. I have a potty mouth and have occasionally said some naughty words in Braden’s presence, usually when I’m driving. He has repeated a few of my choice phrases, always to my dismay. Daycare providers do not like it when a child drops the F-Bomb.
Then again, you are Matthew McConaughey and probably don’t need to worry about daycare providers or any of the other things normal people have to worry about when it comes to raising a child. So go ahead and give him a weird name, keep him shirtless, smoke whenever and whatever around him, and swear all you want.
After all, the tabloids won’t mind having a future subject to write about, much like they do now with messed-up children of celebrities.
Just don’t expect me to feel sorry for you if this happens.
Showing posts with label celebrities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label celebrities. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Celeb reality takes over airwaves
In case you haven’t noticed, reality shows have taken over our television; “Big Brother,” “Survivor,” “Trading Spouses,” “Supernanny,” “My Big Redneck Wedding” and “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” are just a few of these shows and they all feature real people, like you and me.
“Survivor” was one of the first of these shows and it caught people’s attention because it was so different from regular TV programs. Nine years and hundreds of reality shows later, this genre is as popular as regular TV, although many people despise it. I’d like to think I’m one of these people, but in truth I watch my fair share of reality.
Especially now, since a new genre of reality shows, one featuring celebrities, has shattered normal people’s hopes of ever becoming famous through reality television. Shows like “Celebrity Apprentice,” “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” “Gone Country,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels,” “Flavor of Love 3,” and “Celebrity Fit Club” have all taken away airtime for you and me to become famous.
Celeb reality, as it is called, is nothing like reality, just like regular reality television is nothing like reality. Instead of watching a bunch of Joe Schmos act like fools for their 15 minutes of fame, with celeb reality we get to watch a bunch of has-beens and B-list celebrities act like fools to get some of their last few minutes of fame.
I’ll start with Bret Michaels. Back in the day, from 1986 to 1991, his band Poison was often near the top of the charts and he had girls, parties and money every which way he turned. Then Nirvana happened and he and all his hair-metal buddies never had a hit record again. Poison is now on the nostalgia circuit, playing at venues a fraction of the size they used to play.
Michaels’ hair fell out, like it should since he is in his forties, but he did not want to age gracefully. He put on a bandana, then hair extensions, and found VH1, which gave him not only one but two dating shows. Much like “The Bachelor,” this show has Michaels living with a bunch of girls looking for their true love in a nice mansion and every week he gives the girls some tasks that help him decide which girls to keep and which ones to eliminate.
These tasks include making them wrestle pigs, play mud football and piecing together a motorcycle – you know the everyday things people have a potential love interest do to see if he or she is the right person. Personally, I had my wife change the oil in my car and then had her bungee jump with her eyes blindfolded before I proposed to her. When she did these things, I knew she was the one for me. Love and compatibility had nothing to do with it.
Another celeb reality show featuring people way past their prime is “Gone Country” on CMT. Celebrities on this show include heavy-metalist Dee Snider of Twisted Sister, Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips, Marcia Brady of the Brady Bunch (she has a real name but who really cares what it is), one-hit wonder Sisqo (remember “Thong Song”), Julio Iglesis Jr. (this guy is more D-list than B-list since the only thing he’s done to earn any fame is have a famous father), some “American Idol” failure and former R&B superstar-turned-crackhead Bobby Brown.
This show gives these celebrities a country makeover, with the winner earning a Nashville recording contract. However, very little time is spent doing this and most of the camera time goes to Brown who gets drunk often, pees all over his room and Snider while sleepwalking, and exposes himself while sleeping to Wilson and Brady.
The rest of the time is devoted to Brady, who is basically crazy. She gets excited easily, cries often, fails to perform because of stage fright and fawns all over Brown.
To sum up this show, it’s brilliant. The reason people watch reality television is to see crazy people grabbing at air for fame and this show has way more of that than any other.
Another brilliant show is “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.” Dr. Drew, known to most people as a sex expert, is also a rehab specialist. He brings in celebrities with substance-abuse problems, like actors Daniel Baldwin and Jeff Conaway, porn star Mary Carey, former professional wrestler Chyna, former child actress Jaimee Foxworth, actress Brigitte Nielsen, another “American Idol” failure and several others.
Unlike the other celeb reality shows, most of these former stars are serious about being on the show. Conaway, best known for his roles in “Grease” and “Taxi,” is in the worst shape, going through heavy withdrawal and seeming much older than he actually is because of the heavy toll drugs took on his body.
I said most because Baldwin was the only one on the show without a current problem and the first to leave, because the married-man-with-child-on-the-way tried to start something up with the porn star. In a show that actually gives people a real glimpse at something – the dangers of addiction and the hardship people have in overcoming them – the one person that acts like other celebrities on other shows comes off looking like the biggest fool.
I’m waiting for a television genius to combine all of these celeb reality shows using the biggest fools like Baldwin, Michaels, Brown and Brady. It could be called “Rock of Country Rehab.” The celebrities would each try to find their love interest while getting a country makeover and undergoing rehab. The rehab portion wouldn’t be for addiction issues, although Brown could probably use it. It would be for their addiction to fame.
Now that’s a show everyone would watch.
“Survivor” was one of the first of these shows and it caught people’s attention because it was so different from regular TV programs. Nine years and hundreds of reality shows later, this genre is as popular as regular TV, although many people despise it. I’d like to think I’m one of these people, but in truth I watch my fair share of reality.
Especially now, since a new genre of reality shows, one featuring celebrities, has shattered normal people’s hopes of ever becoming famous through reality television. Shows like “Celebrity Apprentice,” “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” “Gone Country,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels,” “Flavor of Love 3,” and “Celebrity Fit Club” have all taken away airtime for you and me to become famous.
Celeb reality, as it is called, is nothing like reality, just like regular reality television is nothing like reality. Instead of watching a bunch of Joe Schmos act like fools for their 15 minutes of fame, with celeb reality we get to watch a bunch of has-beens and B-list celebrities act like fools to get some of their last few minutes of fame.
I’ll start with Bret Michaels. Back in the day, from 1986 to 1991, his band Poison was often near the top of the charts and he had girls, parties and money every which way he turned. Then Nirvana happened and he and all his hair-metal buddies never had a hit record again. Poison is now on the nostalgia circuit, playing at venues a fraction of the size they used to play.
Michaels’ hair fell out, like it should since he is in his forties, but he did not want to age gracefully. He put on a bandana, then hair extensions, and found VH1, which gave him not only one but two dating shows. Much like “The Bachelor,” this show has Michaels living with a bunch of girls looking for their true love in a nice mansion and every week he gives the girls some tasks that help him decide which girls to keep and which ones to eliminate.
These tasks include making them wrestle pigs, play mud football and piecing together a motorcycle – you know the everyday things people have a potential love interest do to see if he or she is the right person. Personally, I had my wife change the oil in my car and then had her bungee jump with her eyes blindfolded before I proposed to her. When she did these things, I knew she was the one for me. Love and compatibility had nothing to do with it.
Another celeb reality show featuring people way past their prime is “Gone Country” on CMT. Celebrities on this show include heavy-metalist Dee Snider of Twisted Sister, Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips, Marcia Brady of the Brady Bunch (she has a real name but who really cares what it is), one-hit wonder Sisqo (remember “Thong Song”), Julio Iglesis Jr. (this guy is more D-list than B-list since the only thing he’s done to earn any fame is have a famous father), some “American Idol” failure and former R&B superstar-turned-crackhead Bobby Brown.
This show gives these celebrities a country makeover, with the winner earning a Nashville recording contract. However, very little time is spent doing this and most of the camera time goes to Brown who gets drunk often, pees all over his room and Snider while sleepwalking, and exposes himself while sleeping to Wilson and Brady.
The rest of the time is devoted to Brady, who is basically crazy. She gets excited easily, cries often, fails to perform because of stage fright and fawns all over Brown.
To sum up this show, it’s brilliant. The reason people watch reality television is to see crazy people grabbing at air for fame and this show has way more of that than any other.
Another brilliant show is “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.” Dr. Drew, known to most people as a sex expert, is also a rehab specialist. He brings in celebrities with substance-abuse problems, like actors Daniel Baldwin and Jeff Conaway, porn star Mary Carey, former professional wrestler Chyna, former child actress Jaimee Foxworth, actress Brigitte Nielsen, another “American Idol” failure and several others.
Unlike the other celeb reality shows, most of these former stars are serious about being on the show. Conaway, best known for his roles in “Grease” and “Taxi,” is in the worst shape, going through heavy withdrawal and seeming much older than he actually is because of the heavy toll drugs took on his body.
I said most because Baldwin was the only one on the show without a current problem and the first to leave, because the married-man-with-child-on-the-way tried to start something up with the porn star. In a show that actually gives people a real glimpse at something – the dangers of addiction and the hardship people have in overcoming them – the one person that acts like other celebrities on other shows comes off looking like the biggest fool.
I’m waiting for a television genius to combine all of these celeb reality shows using the biggest fools like Baldwin, Michaels, Brown and Brady. It could be called “Rock of Country Rehab.” The celebrities would each try to find their love interest while getting a country makeover and undergoing rehab. The rehab portion wouldn’t be for addiction issues, although Brown could probably use it. It would be for their addiction to fame.
Now that’s a show everyone would watch.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)