Even Santa Claus has sarcastic side nowadays

Santa Claus has a sarcastic side, at least in our house he does.


Prior to coming Christmas Eve, my 6-year-old son, Braden, wanted to set something out for him to eat. “Santa will like some candy,” said the boy, setting out four Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for the big man.

“I’m not sure Santa would want that,” I told Braden. “He gets sweets everywhere he goes tonight. Why not set out some chips and salsa? I bet he would really like that.”

“Nope. He wants candy.”

“I think you’re wrong on that one.”

I lost the argument, and we left out some candy for him.

The next morning Braden woke my wife and me up fairly late, at 7 a.m. much to our delight, and was excited not just for the gifts under the tree but also for the note Santa left him.

“What does it say?” my wife asked, encouraging him to use his new reading skills.

Braden read the note: “Dear Braden. Thanks for the candy, but some chips and salsa would have been nice. Santa.” He struggled with the words “chips” and “salsa,” but otherwise read it perfectly.

“I guess you were right Dad. Santa would have liked some chips and salsa better.”

Validation. It’s always nice, but I think I had the advantage on that one so I’m not sure it counts. Besides, I think Santa helped himself to some chips and salsa right before saying “Ho, ho, ho,” which Braden insists he heard that night. He might be right on that one.

When I was a kid, we always left out cookies and milk for Santa, as well as carrots for his reindeer. Santa was always nice in return, leaving appreciative notes.

Santa has found his sarcastic side now, the victim of several decades of sarcasm that bombarded my entire generation. Kids in films always had to be more sarcastic than the kid next to him or her, and the laugh tracks of comedy series on television were set to go off with every sarcastic comment by characters like Jerry Seinfeld and Roseanne.

It’s such a part of our lexicon now that even Braden knows its definition, much to his great aunt Barb’s amazement Christmas Eve when he told her someone’s comment was sarcastic. As her mouth dropped from his correct usage of the term, my wife told her he also can define “lines of symmetry.”

“I couldn’t tell you what they were,” she said. “What are they Braden?”

He pointed to her television stand, at a line created by a pair of cupboard shelves, and said it’s the line of symmetry because it divides the rectangle in half and creates two rectangles that are exactly the same.

I’m glad he defined it for her, because even though I was on my school’s geometry team in high school, I couldn’t remember it.

“Pretty simple,” Braden told her, dripping his statement with a bit of sarcasm.

I can’t wait until I see what types of notes Santa leaves his children.
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Originally published in The Portage County Gazette on Friday, Dec. 30, 2011.