Remember the Bill Cosby-hosted show “Kids Say the Darndest Things”? I don’t remember many specifics about it, except that he would ask young kids simple questions and often received funny answers in return – the type of answer only a kid give. The show is long gone, but thanks to the Internet a regurgitated version of this show is available at www.happyplace.com.
This website features a link it calls “Unintentionally inappropriate test responses from children” that gathers just that: answers to test questions that are funny because they are inappropriate, although most often the children giving the answer don’t realize it. Kids say the darndest things, after all. I’d like to share some of them with you.
One test features a photo with two of the three letters of that photo below it. Children are required to fill in the missing letter. For example, a picture of a rat is underscored by r_t, with the correct answer being “a” to make rat. Another picture features a sad face with s_d under it. The child answering the question put a “t” in the blank to make “std.” While unintentional, I think most people would probably agree that a STD would be an appropriate reason to have a sad face.
Another test asks students to use their mastery of the Spanish language to issue commands to their sisters. The kid taking this test tried to get out of this by answering “I don’t have a sister.” Good luck with that answer.
Another test includes a line graph and a math problem. The kid didn’t bother with the math problem but took his time drawing an eye between two peaks in the line graph and then writing that it was the Eye of Sauron from J.R.R. Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. I’d give him extra credit for the effort, but the teacher wasn’t as impressed, writing “ALEX NO” by it.
Kids are well aware of sarcasm judging by one kid’s answer to a question about whether they’d choose barnacles or seahorses for an aquarium they are setting up for a younger sibling. “Seriously?” the kid answered. “You want me to choose between a seahorse, a very exotic beautiful sea animal, or a barnacle, a creature that just sits around and does nothing. You’ve got to be kidding me. What kid of idiot would be like ‘Oh, let’s make a super fun aquarium and fill it with barnacles?’” The kid has a good point. Maybe teachers should think of better test questions.
Young children are given questions about their fathers in another test, and young little D.J. was brutally honest with his answers about his father Derrick. According to D.J., his father does “everything” at work, his favorite drink is beer, his favorite food is steak, his favorite hobby is sleeping, and he likes to cook “nothing.” Derrick is also 99-feet tall, according to his son.
In a similar assignment, one kid said “play with me” when asked what his father can’t do and “kids” when asked what his father doesn’t like. However, according to the kid, one day his father will “die” and the kid will always “come to his grave” the youngster answered. I guess this kid won’t hold any grudges for the father not playing with him or her.
One girl, in saying what her mom should do less of, answered “drink wine.” She accompanied her answer with a drawing of her mom happily drinking wine. I’m thinking her mom may have needed some wine after seeing that answer.
Another kid gained and lost hope for future ambitions during the course of answering a question about his or her future dream. “I want to be a nurse. Nurse can study math. But I can’t study math. I don’t like math. So I can’t be a nurse. And I don’t have dream now,” the answer read. Stay away from grammar-related jobs, too.
According to one kid, the best solution to overpopulation is “The Hunger Games.” Short and concise, sure, but it’s not the answer the teacher was probably seeking.
Spelling is important; otherwise, you might come up with this answer: “Something I like about my school is meth.” Or maybe this kid was just a fan of the show “Breaking Bad.”
One kid was realistic when he drew a picture of what he would look like 100 years from now, as the test asked him to do. He drew a picture of a gravestone, put his name on it and wrote “R.I.P.” Hopefully the teacher didn’t mark it wrong.
Another test asked students to draw a sketch of “the situation” as described in a math problem. One student drew a picture of a muscle-bound young man, in reference to the guy known as “The Situation” on MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”
One test asked students to name four heavy metals and their symbols. The responding kid wasn’t good at chemistry, but he’d get an “A” in music and art classes, as he answered the question with Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer and Anthrax, accompanied by the heavy metal bands’ logos. Heck, I’d give him an “A+” for this answer.
I’ll leave readers with an answer from a kid who needs to brush up on his spelling skills. “Tomorrow I am not going to be here because I am going to be in…” The kid meant to write Virginia, I believe, but instead he misspelled it as a woman’s body part that begins with the letter “v.” I won’t make any sarcastic remarks about this error.
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Originally published in The Portage County Gazette on Nov. 9, 2012.
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