Plan will make combover popular

I’m bald. I’m not afraid to admit it, as I have done several times before in this column.


I’m also not afraid to offer solutions to remedy baldness, even though I proudly believe it’s something that doesn’t really need to be remedied. I do so because it’s fun.

My latest solution, one of which I told my wife I’m going to do, is to make the combover in vogue.

Men have used the combover for decades to make it look like they have more hair on their heads than they really do. It’s never worked, because it’s clear all who have tried this before are shameful of their baldness and style their hair without the advice of professionals. I could lock myself in the bathroom in front of a mirror for an entire day and would come away looking no better than anyone else with a combover.

But, if I went to a professional hairdresser first and discussed my goal, I think we could come up with a combover together that would be the king of combovers. The professional could advise me on how I should grow the hair I do have, and when it reaches the right length, we would style it in such a way that people with full heads of hair would be jealous of me.

The hair I do have is short right now. I’ve kept it short for years now, because it does make me look less bald. It’s a proven trick many bald and balding men successfully use. And I still have hair that grows on the sides and back of my head. It doesn’t grow on an ever-expanding round patch on the top of my head. When my hair isn’t short, it appears as though I am wearing a white monk’s hat on my head.

All this means I’m the perfect person a brave hairstylist can work with to create the world’s first hip combover.

Upon successful completion of this killer combover, we’ll have to market it to the rest of the world, and the best way to do so would be to recreate it on the head of a popular bald/balding celebrity, because celebrities are (sadly) the types of people others follow, creating trends and eventually popular culture.

I will want recognition for my achievement, so before I allow any celebrity the use of my combover, I’m going to trademark a name – the Steuckover – and will contractually require the celebrity to refer to it as such when discussing it with reporters.

I know the Steuckover will take other forms, much like the Rachel did in the mid 1990s, and I will be honored by all of them. Eventually, they’ll become too popular and the mass public will start hating it, as the public tends to do. Millions of people will take to the Internet to trash the Steuckover, and just as quickly as it became popular, it will be gone.

But give it another 10 years or so. It’ll be back. Maybe in the form of the “ironic” Steuckover, or the “retro” Steuckover. I’ll be happy with whatever form it takes.

Once the Steuckover becomes a thing, I know it’ll only last initially for six months at most. I’m already working on the next trend – the cool toupee.

Author’s note: My wife, Jenny, wishes to comment on this. A loving husband, I’m happy to give her some space, even though she relegates me to a small sliver of space on our bed at night. This is what she has to say:

“To all fellow wives of balding husbands with odd senses of humor... I apologize for and do not condone the idea presented in this column. Be assured that I do own a pair of clippers; however, should the Steuckover take hold, I will be assembling an ‘embarrassed wife’ support group.”