Eccentricities explain off-planet behavior

My wife, Jenny, told me last week I’m eccentric. I can’t say that I disagree with her.
She said I’m eccentric because sometimes she doesn’t know what planet I’m on some of the time.
I’d like to believe that I’m on Earth, like all humans are, unless you were one of the lucky few to step foot on the moon, although that is technically not a planet. Many conspiracy theorists would argue, though, that humans haven’t even stepped foot on the moon, because they believe the government faked the moon landings to win one of the many battles of the Cold War.
I don’t believe in this conspiracy theory or many others, which Jenny argues is just one of the many reasons I’m eccentric. Most people believe the conspiracy theory that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone in assassinating John F. Kennedy. I do not, writing on a number of occasions in this column that I don’t, which led one reader to write me saying I was wrong to believe Oswald acted alone.
I’ve studied the evidence, watched numerous documentaries and read many books. All of the conclusive evidence shows that Oswald acted alone, and any evidence that suggests otherwise can be contradicted by other evidence.
But hey, I’m eccentric and I’m allowed to believe something most people don’t believe.
I’m also allowed to do stuff non-eccentric people shouldn’t do. For example, while shopping in a grocery store I like to sing “Shop the Pig” while kicking my feet together, embarrassing Jenny, making my son laugh and causing strangers to give me funny looks.
I’m also allowed to wear clothes Jenny says don’t match. Color-coding has never been my strong point and frankly I don’t care if black shoes don’t go with a mostly brown outfit. If it’s comfortable and clean, I’ll wear it, even if the non-eccentric public disapproves of it.
Being eccentric also allows me to be a clown, although I’m afraid of real clowns. I’m a clown in the sense that I can say and do weird things that will make people laugh. People that know me realize that’s just part of my personality and they continue to love me just the same without knocking me for my eccentricities.
I have almost-total freedom by being eccentric and I love it. Although when I’m not eccentric and acting normal, people sometimes think that I’m being grumpy.
What these people don’t know is that it’s all part of my eccentricity. By acting like a serious non-eccentric, I assure myself that people won’t be able to read me all of the time. By appearing grumpy when I’m not, or by appearing happy when I’m grumpy, I become a much more complicated person. I’m not sure why I want to be complicated, but I know I don’t want to be simple.
The one trait I have that is not eccentric is my desire for organization and cleanliness. I’m a neat-freak, which may actually be eccentric. Although most other eccentrics I know are not. My father-in-law is one of them, and his amazing ability to attract clutter is his most obvious eccentricity.
Jenny said I was eccentric after I pointed to an eccentric-looking guy and asked her what he did for a living. “Professor,” she instantly responded, giving me the answer I was looking for. I said he looked eccentric, so he must be a professor.
She told me that I’m eccentric, but I’m not a professor.
I’m not, although I’d love to be one someday. I’m a reporter, a job held by many other eccentrics. Maybe that is why the news is full of weird stories about other eccentrics. And maybe that is why conspiracy theories even exist – eccentric reporters find eccentric stories to make themselves look fairly normal compared to the crackpot ideas others have. Unfortunately these eccentric stories sometimes become main stream and the eccentric reporters are left looking even more eccentric.