Non-handiness leads to novel idea

By nature I’m not a very handy person. If given some boards and nails and told to build a birdhouse, I’d probably construct something that would provide less shelter than if the bird just stayed outside in the elements.
However, I’m good at following directions. I’ve amazed myself by putting together build-it-yourself furniture, making a good meal and resolving complicated computer issues when given the proper information through instructions, recipes or guidance.
But I’ve found a better way to overcome my non-handiness. I call it Ingoocho.
What is Ingoocho?
I’ll explain. This past weekend my wife and I decided to recaulk our bathtub. I had no idea how to do that, so I went on the Internet, googled “how to recaulk bathtub” and clicked on the first link.
The instructions at the link were a work of art. And I mean that in a non-ironic sense, because they were easy to understand and right to the point.
So simple in fact, I gave them to my wife, Jenny, and she did the entire project without my help.
INternet, GOOgle, Click and Hand Off. Ingoocho. If life were always so easy, I’d have it made.
Hey, I need to replace the starter in my car. Not a problem. Ingoocho. Thanks Jenny.
I’m hungry for an authentic Mexican enchilada meal. Ingoocho mi mama.
Braden my son, I know you’re only two, but kids today are supposed to be technologically savvy. I need you to figure out this iPod for me. Don’t worry kid. Ingoocho.
It would probably take a long time before any of the people around me caught on that I was passing everything off to them. They’d appreciate the great instructions so much they wouldn’t even notice I was being a complete bum.
Once in awhile, in order to keep this scam going, I’d just Ingooc and do the task myself and not hand it off to someone else. I enjoy cooking, so maybe I’ll make myself look good making a great meal every so often.
I’m so impressed by my idea, especially since it worked so well this past weekend, that I might just write a self-help reference guide to Ingoocho.
It could include detailed instructions on the proper technique to Ingoocho, the do’s and the don’ts, charts telling people when they should use it, and the top 10 tips for using it most effectively.
Heck, I’d even throw in a few ways you could lose weight through Ingoocho. I’m sure they wouldn’t help anyone actually lose weight, since the whole concept of Ingoocho is laziness, but most books with weight-loss tips don’t really work either. It would just guarantee me a best seller.
Maybe Oprah would even select it as her Book Club pick. In fact, if I fabricate everything in the book and say it’s based on my life story, then she would surely pick it. James Frey did it with “A Million Little Pieces” and she picked that book.
Best of all, I could probably Ingoocho this idea. My wife is a good writer. This column could serve as the how-to-guide for writing the book.
My job is done then. Look for “Ingoocho: The Guide to Self-Laziness, Weight Loss and the Heart-Breaking Story of the Tragic Life of Scott Steuck” at bookstores everywhere this fall. And on Oprah.