Wilderness of back hair entangles writer

I’m not sure if it can be considered a hairstyle, but back hair must be the latest hairstyle trend, because I saw a lot of it in Wisconsin Dells this past weekend when I went there with my wife and son.
We stayed at The Wilderness, a resort with three indoor waterparks, so a lot of our time was spent in the presence of people wearing swimsuits, which is something I’m used to since I practically grew up in the water. But never before have I seen so much back hair as I did at The Wilderness.
Every which way I turned I bumped into men with fields of back hair, featuring a variety of colors. There were fields of gold, fields of gray, fields of brown, fields of red, fields of black and fields of white.
Back hair is something that always catches my attention, probably because I don’t have any and it reminds me of Bigfoot, a childhood passion of mine. Usually, when I’m at a place with people in swimsuits, I’ll see maybe one or two people with back hair. They always stand out from the hairless-back people and are instantly recognizable to me even when I see them later wearing a shirt.
I wasn’t able to distinguish them so easily at The Wilderness, because it honestly seemed like one in three men there had back hair. The resort was booked, which meant thousands of people were there this weekend. Using this ratio and my quick form of math, which is basically guessing a number, that meant at least 270 men there had back hair. That’s a whole lotta back hair.
At first I thought I was seeing the same few men over and over again, but after awhile I realized they were all different people. At this point I noted to my wife that I had never seen so much back hair in my life. After further contemplation, I came up with several theories for this:
* In these times of economic recession, men that once paid for wax removal of back hair cut this luxury from their budgets.
* Inspired by the Saturday Night Live “Chia Head” commercial parody from many years ago, men are allowing their back hair to grow for transplant to the top of their balding heads. If this works for them, I’ll be very jealous that I don’t have back hair because I would like hair on the top of my head again.
* Waiting for a real thick field of back hair, the men are planning on shaving advertisements on their backs to earn extra money, which is very similar to people who get paid to drive around in vehicles with ads on them. In our overly-commercialized society, a back-hair ad would definitely stand out. Who would dare resist buying expensive Nike shoes if you saw the logo shaved into the back hair of a pale white guy laying on the beach?
* The back hair is being used to cover up a large tattoo the guy realized too late he shouldn’t have gotten. It’s hard to change “I Love Jessica Ann” into “I Love Mom” using current tattoo techniques, or if you don’t really care for your mother, when the relationship ends after you find out Jessica Ann has been loving your friends Joe, Ralph, Larry and Heidi.
* Locks of Love has found a way to fuse back hairs together to make wigs, and these men are doing their part for a greater good.
* I was at The Wilderness during a Star Wars convention and the men were all Chewbacca impersonators, which would be especially disappointing to me to not realize the convention was taking place while I was there since I do a mean Yoda impersonation.
This last theory caused me to look at the reason I was at The Wilderness in the first place. My wife was running a genetics conference and maybe all of the back-haired men were all there to provide hair samples for the doctors at the conference. I really love my wife, and knowing she may be responsible for putting me in the presence of so much back hair is yet another reason to love her more.