Being 'the man' means fixing problems

I’m the man.
After a clog rendered one of our two toilets useless this past weekend, it appeared we might need outside help to resolve the issue and an outhouse should two people in our household need the bathroom at the same time.
But three toilet plungers and several hours of intense labor later, as well as with advice from a licensed plumber, I was able to unclog the uncloggable, open the unopenable and provide access to the underworld for most of which is unmentionable.
I’m the man.
After our wireless Internet went down at home Friday, it seemed as though we might have to surf the digital highway the old-fashioned way – by hooking the computer up directly to the modem, leaving my mobile device and online play for my Nintendo Wii completely powerless.
But an hour on the phone with a computer who couldn’t understand my “Yes” and “No” answers half the time and after a trip to the store to purchase a new cable, the Steuck household is back in the 21st century.
I’m the man.
I have no idea what “I’m the man” really means, but I think it’s what a guy is supposed to say after fixing something that seems unfixable, and since I did it twice this past weekend I figured I could get away with saying it three times.
The toilet clog should have been an easy problem to fix, as plungers are the be-all and end-all cure. Unfortunately, our plunger, which has never worked well with our current toilet, did not do the job. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t create enough suction to unclog the clog.
I went to the store, thinking I could buy some sort of drain cleaner that could do the job. But all the drain cleaners were not compatible with toilets, so I picked up a new plunger, hoping it would work better.
It did, but not well enough as the clog remained.
My wife finally called her father, a plumber, who said I needed an even better plunger that could dive deep in the toilet hole to create the ultimate suction. After another trip to the store, I found such a plunger. It did the job.
The problem with our Internet occurred when our wireless router stopped transmitting a modem connection through our house.
Hearing about other people’s occasional Internet problems, including ones we’ve had at The Gazette, I figured the problem was with our provider. I called them up, expecting to speak with a human. No such luck, as I wound up talking to a computer.
“Please say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if this is the problem,” the computer told me after each option it gave me. After giving my answer, it often would repeat the question in a slightly demeaning tone because it did not understand my answer. I ended up swearing at it once when it repeated a question four times. I’m sure it didn’t understand me, but miraculously it registered my answer. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if I wasn’t talking to a computer at all, but rather a person imitating a computer. That would definitely be funny if that were the case.
More than half an hour later, the computer/possible person imitating a computer finally told me the problem was not with them, but rather my equipment, specifically my wireless router. As I disconnected it, prepared to go purchase a new one, I noticed the cable that ran from the modem to the router was bent out of shape, and possibly not suitable for use.
During the same trip to the store that netted us a decent plunger, I picked up a new cable, which cost only $7, saving myself more than $40 had I needed a new router.
Upon arrival at home, I unclogged the toilet and then put us back on the Internet.
I’m the man (I had to say it a fourth time).