Gold teeth may be solution to recession

Has the recession made you depressed?
If so, I’ve got a secret that could potentially help you earn your way out of it.
Actually, it’s a secret an overeager entrepreneur sent to The Gazette several weeks ago, and one I’m going to share in hopes people will get rich from it, and to make everyone else laugh, as it has had my colleagues and me laughing since we received it.
For $2,400, reduced from the original $4,800 price, you can potentially earn “millions and millions of dollars,” according to its Web site, by learning how to make gold teeth.
That’s right – gold teeth. That’s what every person wants and what every person needs.
I’m not sure what’s funnier: the concept of making millions making gold teeth, or the fact Jacob’s Jewelers of Savannah, Ga., sent postcards advertising this concept to a central Wisconsin location, where gold teeth are in hot demand (I am, of course, being sarcastic here).
“Gold teeth has (sic) absolutely exploded in popularity over the past several years and you’re about to be offered an opportunity to cash in on this craze,” the Web site states.
It then points out that “gold grillz” are becoming the No. 1 most-requested piece of jewelry, pointing out celebrities like Flavor Flav and Nelly sport them.
Flavor Flav, a sidekick rapper turned B-list reality-television star, and Nelly, a rapper who hasn’t had a hit in more than five years, are the celebrities touted as the reasons people should learn how to make gold teeth. Even they stopped wearing them several years ago.
For those who don’t know exactly what gold teeth are, they are caps, made of gold, which can be placed on your teeth for decorative purposes. Most of them sport other decorative jewelry, including diamonds and other jewels, and each set of grillz can be custom made to be completely unique.
I’m sorry. I’ve probably said too much, and now everyone reading this will probably try to find out how they can learn to make these gold teeth, so they too can get rich.
People who do sign up for the course, and God bless the suckers that fall for this, will spend two days in Savannah, Ga., learning exactly how to make gold teeth.
According to the Web site, this information is a closely-guarded secret that has taken other jewelers years to learn. I sort of believe this, as I’ve never been to a local jewelry store that offers gold teeth. Those jewelers have either been unable to master the secret, or they haven’t even bothered trying. I’d vote for the latter.
More importantly, people who sign up will go home with their own set of six gold teeth. The $2,400 price tag would be worth it just for this, as wearing them while enjoying a night out would certainly bring a person a lot of attention – albeit the type of attention people might not necessarily like.
Imagine the conversations you could have with friends:
“What is that in your mouth?” someone would ask.
“Why, it’s my new gold grillz. Pretty cool, huh?” you could respond. “In fact, if you’d like, for $4,000 (give or take a few thousand dollars) I could make you a set so you can be cool like me and rappers like Flavor Flav and Nelly.”
Don’t be surprised if you receive a few blank stares following these statements.
I have to give some credit to Jacob’s Jewelers for at least trying to make a few bucks, although I don’t think it has any chances of succeeding, or at least luring people from central Wisconsin to its classes. I’m sure, somewhere out there, people who want to be like faded rap stars are jumping at the chance to take such classes, and I hope the company finds those people. And maybe by extending an offer to as many people as possible will help find that audience.
Of course, I could be downplaying the business’ chance of success, as I might already be signed up for the class so I too can make millions. Scott Steuck’s Gold Grillz opening soon – the area’s only gold teeth maker.