Dwight Schrute for 'assistant to the president'

As the presidential race heats up, the two major party candidates, Barack Obama for the Democrats and John McCain for the Republicans, are pondering their choices for vice-presidential running mates. A lot of names, all of them politicians, are being tossed around as potentials. One name not being mentioned, but one that should, is Dwight Kurt Schrute III.
Schrute, a character on NBC’s “The Office,” is one of the greatest sidekicks on television, and whoever is elected president will need someone like him that is completely loyal and self-starting and will do whatever it takes to get the job done. Finding that person may be a chore, as it seems like most sidekicks want to become the person in charge, so instead of searching for someone like him, one of the two candidates should just choose him.
I know some people may argue with me and say that he’s not real, but that’s a minor technicality. Actor Rainn Wilson, who brilliantly plays him, could legally change his name to Dwight Schrute and then take the role on permanently. Many of Schrute’s eccentric mannerisms are actual mannerisms of Wilson, so I don’t think it would be a stretch for him to become the character he helped create.
Resolving this minor technicality would allow either Obama or McCain to select Schrute as a running mate. Unfortunately, he can’t run on both tickets, which may be a problem because both candidates will probably want him when they realize all he has to offer, which include:
1) Undying loyalty. To quote him: “I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty.” Enough said.
2) The ability to multi-task. Not only is he assistant to the regional manager at Dunder Mifflin, but he also runs a beet farm. Anyone that can grow something so few people like definitely has the gall that is necessary to make second-in-command decisions. He is also a volunteer sheriff’s deputy, karate expert and science-fiction buff, all good things.
3) The strength of a grown man and a little baby. He was a twin in his mother’s womb, but he absorbed the other baby, giving him this power. Vice presidents need a sensitive side, especially since our current one seems to lack it. If Dick Cheney had a little compassion for people whose face he mauls with a shotgun blast, people might like him a little better.
4) Heroism that does not need to be rewarded. When he helps a co-worker, he refuses to accept a gift from the co-worker for his actions. “Citizens don’t accept gifts for being citizens,” he said. In the world of politics, where politicians expect political favors for certain votes, a vice president that doesn’t play that game would be refreshing.
The list could go on forever, and it would be nearly impossible to find any negatives against Schrute, except maybe some views that may be a little far to the right for some people. He doesn’t believe in public healthcare and he is old school in his beliefs about sexism and racism.
But this may be why Schrute, who has never said if he is a Democrat or Republican, has already gained the attention of one of the candidates. McCain told Jon Stewart on Comedy Central’s “Daily Show” in May that Schrute would be his choice for vice president if he had to make an immediate decision.
Many think he is joking, but not Wilson acting as Schrute. He accepted the nomination to become “assistant to the president” on “The Tonight Show,” provided McCain meets some of his requests. They include:
1) He gets to pilot Air Force One whenever he wants and must be addressed as “Ice Man” when he is doing so.
2) Jack Bauer of “24” is promoted to Secretary of Defense.
3) Full government financing of research programs into using beets as an alternative-energy source.
4) His bunker must contain a foosball table and be zombie proof.
5) Secret Service members are to be armed with nun-chucks, throwing stars and flame throwers.
6) He wants his own flame thrower, as well as an Iron Man outfit.
Not only are these requests reasonable, they show initiative on his part, especially No. 3. Personally, I can’t stand beets, and I’m sure many others would agree, so it would please me if we found a useful function for them other than for food. Who knows, this inventive thinking may solve a lot of the world’s problems.