Celebrities advised on how to raise children

Actor Matthew McConaughey, everybody’s favorite shirtless beach bum, welcomed his first child this week. Since this guy has been on his own hazy planet (remember his nude drumming escapade) for sometime, I thought he might need a little advice on how to handle the major lifestyle change he will face with the new addition.
As a somewhat experienced father – I have a 3-year-old son, Braden – I figure I’m as qualified as anyone to give him that advice; well, probably not as qualified as someone with more than one child or as someone with an older child, but I’m not into technicalities so they are even with me as far as I am concerned.
My six pieces of advice for Matthew McConaughey are:
1) Give the child a good name, and make sure its middle name is good also. His brother named his child Miller, which is fine, but gave the kid a middle name of Light – Miller Light. Apparently he likes beer. Unfortunately for the kid, he’ll be teased by both children and adults about his name as he grows up. It’ll probably drive him to drink, making him become what he is named.
I wanted to name Braden Thor, but my wife held strong against my wish. With a name like Thor he might have become a Viking god. That’s cool, but I’m not sure the world needs any more Viking gods.
2) Put a shirt on the kid. Babies like to be warm, especially when it’s cold outside. I know you would rather exist in a world where shirts are not needed, judging by your last film, the torturous “Fool’s Gold,” in which I was subjected to my horror and my wife’s delight of seeing you bare-chested throughout the entire movie.
Babies will let you know when something is not comfortable by crying. If your baby cries and you want him to stop, make him comfortable. In your case, this can probably be done by putting a shirt on him to make him warm.
3) Put out the cigarette, or whatever else you may be smoking. Babies don’t like smoke, and they definitely don’t like smoke that may make things a bit hazy. And remember that foods you eat when you get the munchies (possibly because of what you are smoking) are not nutritious foods the kid needs.
4) Keep drumming. Babies like music, and when they like something they’ll respond with cute smiles and yelps of glee. Or it may just be gas, but either one is still fun. You’ll learn people like happy babies and will give you nothing but compliments and moments of freedom from caring for the child by taking the baby from you to hold. They will not do this when the child is crying.
5) Lend your voice to a cartoon, preferably to one by Pixar. After more than a decade without watching cartoons, I quickly discovered I have to watch a lot of them as Braden gets older. Since you probably have the opportunity to do animated features, seize it immediately. Then when your child watches that film, he will be impressed his father’s voice is on it. If I had the technology to dub my voice over Owen Wilson’s in “Cars,” I would do it in a heartbeat. Braden would be bragging about me to all his friends.
6) Do not, and I repeat, do not swear in front of the child. I have a potty mouth and have occasionally said some naughty words in Braden’s presence, usually when I’m driving. He has repeated a few of my choice phrases, always to my dismay. Daycare providers do not like it when a child drops the F-Bomb.
Then again, you are Matthew McConaughey and probably don’t need to worry about daycare providers or any of the other things normal people have to worry about when it comes to raising a child. So go ahead and give him a weird name, keep him shirtless, smoke whenever and whatever around him, and swear all you want.
After all, the tabloids won’t mind having a future subject to write about, much like they do now with messed-up children of celebrities.
Just don’t expect me to feel sorry for you if this happens.